So apparently The New York Post, (the "'I am Tiger Woods', 'Oh isn't he precious for thinking he, a mentally-deficient 49 year-old roller derby participant, could be Tiger Woods'" of journalism), thought it was necessary to make my job far worse than it already is--now see here!
The established practices of this, our beloved restaurant industry, make it necessary to add gratuity (a paltry 15%, of which we notify them thricely) to the checks of those dirty, dirty foreigners.
And not toot my own horn, but honk: my lil restaurant demands a level of service that makes 15% a pretty crappy tip, (id est: we split these tips, our only (and completely taxed) form of income, betwixt about 15 people on an average night, but usually more than that.) And if we put nothing, they leave nothing.
They make it so hard to love them. So. Very. Hard.
So the managerialists of the place put gratuity adding on hiatus, and lo and behold onto your day jobs, the crappiest tips this side of a Boca Raton Denny's start arollin' on in.
Couple of Exempli Gratia wif ratin's:
Table 16, 8:30pm
Guests: Lovely Scottish family if three; dad, daughter, and son turning 12, and "becoming a man." Awesome.
Review: Loved the meal. The view. And me, of course; we actually discussed Scotland and determined that it was quite possible that we were related, as we shared the same last-goddamn-name.
Tip: $41.00 on $435.00 tab (10.6%)
Rating: Negative 3 stars because they were nice, and also he asked his 9 year-old daughter how much to tip because he didn't know.
Table 9, 10:35pm
Guests: 14 yr-old son and his mother, or really rich kid who prefers older escorts and older escort. Spanish. Definitely Spanish.
Review: After drinking the older woman's champagne and acting like he's the king of patchy mustaches throughout the meal, this little bastard has the huevos mas grandes to demand we bring him "una braandeeeez" (a brandy,) at which I laugh and walk away. We then send them a few desserts on the house, so as to coax an earthly tip from them; all they do is sneer and say "No, we do not order theese thiingsss."
Tip: $21.08 on $235.00 tab (11.14%)
Rating: Negative 5 stars
I'll bet you five potatoes that I get to the poor house before you do.
1 comments:
I was crying when I read this (mostly because I was watching The Biggest Loser) and it got me thinking.
Americans > River Cafe Guests
Maybe Obama should start some new foreign policies with countries, like Spain, that say, "if you come to America, do not act like more than a dick than Americans." That is not even asking for much.
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